Do you remember?
by Questionablelight
Summary: Jack wakes up in the middle of the night and wonders about life, and why things appear and turn out the way they do.


**Do you remember?**

**Pairings: Sam/Jack **

**Summary: Jack wakes up in the middle of the night and wonders about life, and why thing appear and turn out the way they do. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, and normally I'd think up something humorous to put in there but its 2 in the morning and I'm beyond all coherent thought. **

_You don't remember me but I remember you  
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you  
_

We tried so hard to forget, to leave it in that room. We let our 'professional' persona's rise once more to the surface. To block out all the feeling's that we shouldn't have, but had none the less. Oh we did it so well, we hid everything from the world, should've been given an academy award we pretended with such a fanatic obsession it became real.

Perhaps you don't remember what it was we both confessed to within that room, or perhaps you did manage to delude yourself into thinking it was real. A Philosopher I never was, but these theories just keep coming because I can't forget. You've moved on with Pete, but yet I still stand here in the shadow's, like always. The only change being that I have even less of a right now than I did before to dream, and remember.

It's always those moments in the middle of the night that I wake up and remember my age, and how lonely I am. A gap you and only you could fill, and yet it seems that it shall be destined to lie un-breeched for all eternity. So there I lie, akin to now, and force myself to stop the fantasies which can't come true. I see myself as a realist, but yet it's always in moments like these I become idealistic.

_But who can decide what they dream?  
And dream I do...  
_  
Dreams are the idealistic versions of our lives, I know that. And as much as I try to force your image and the reoccurring vision of what our life together could be like, part of me wants it to stay. I cannot decide what it is that my subconscious shows me, but it is the only place where you're in my life, and therefore the fantasies stay. Sometimes I think I live to dream or dream to live, and that consciousness is just an annoying part of life which slots in-between sleep. Still once more the fact that I am more alone than ever never eludes me in these lonely moments, in the middle of the night, and in a cold bed. In my dream's it's never cold, and once more I wish for awareness to lessen its hold on me, to let me fall back into my euphoria, only present in the alternate reality of my dreams. And yet, once more of life's cruel twists, I'm forced to keep thinking as my own entrance to the impossible eludes me.

_I believe in you  
I'll give up everything just to find you  
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe  
you're taking over me  
_

_Have you forgotten all I know  
and all we had?  
_

How many moments? How many times? How many chances have we had over the years? Have you forgotten all that I know?

I remember your past; I remember the here and now.

Does he understand you like I do; does he comprehend what you put yourself through day after day? I know that you don't open up to him, I know that because who could? How could you share the knowledge of death that we all so intimately embrace, and even if you did, how could someone who hasn't been in the touch and go situations which we face day in day out, even being to value what it is that we work towards and the risk's involved.

Have you forgotten all that we had under that dome? Sure that we didn't remember who we were, but yet we still found each other anyway. Isn't that proof? Doesn't that show you what we could be like? Without the regs and life as we know it, it was all simple. We became ourselves, or if you like what we were deep down inside. The escape from the complexity of our real lives brought opportunities so extraordinary that in moments like these, I long for a return trip. Oh how I yearn to return.

_You saw me mourning my love for you  
and touched my hands_

And so we stood there, I don't think I have ever lived a life so long as I did within those few short moments. The revelations of that moment which lasted eons, only served to stab me harder. How could I let you die? How could I just stand there and let it happen knowing that you felt the same way? How could I go on without thinking about all the what if's of that day.

And yet at the same time you still were able to find compassion for me. You heard those footsteps as loud as I did and knew as well as I did that it should've been death waiting for you that day. Yet you still tried to save me from seeing you die, and then when I wouldn't leave, you allowed me to stay. The witness for your final moments. I don't think I could allow that to happen if I was in your place. For your comfort I thank you, as much as I thank you for letting me know that it wasn't one-sided, even if you may have forgotten now.

_  
I knew you loved me then  
_

_  
I believe in you  
I'll give up everything just to find you  
I have to be with you to live to breathe  
you're taking over me_

In the morning, I won't remember this, for I will be back into the superficial world of pretend. The world were no-one looks deep enough to discover whether someone really is fine, or simply saying they are because that is the generally accepted response.

_I look in the mirror and see your face  
if I look deep enough  
So many things inside that are just like you are taking over_

The world is full of mirrors; nothing is ever clear cut, or defined. Everywhere you look there is deception. I deceive myself everyday that you are unattainable, that I don't love you, and that the regs are simply not some excuse I use to keep me from admitting anything to either myself, or you. And every day you deceive yourself that you're happy, and that your life couldn't become any better. And yet I know better, and if you looked deep enough, you would also know better.

That knowledge is within you, within your actions. If you loved without the inhibitions that you place upon yourself, then you wouldn't think everything through like you did before agreeing to marry Pete. If you looked close enough, you'd see that you're merely content with life. The passion that I know exists within you, the passion that I saw in the beginning, before being suppressed by this war, when you challenged me to an arm wrestle is waiting to be released. And yet in saying this I don't think that I should be in Pete's place. No, I am not so arrogant to believe that I am any more suited to marriage than he is, I just am trying to point out that the man you are going to marry is perhaps not suited to you either. Still, it is very easy to point out in a one sided conversation with only an image of you that he is not right for you. Telling the real you is something I don't have the courage to do for the simple fear of betraying how I feel.

A vision of you is seared to the insides of my eyelids, it appears everywhere. And if I look deep into myself I know why. It is because of all the changes that you have wought within me. When I began here I wanted to die, and now I want to live even if only to gaze upon you from a distance.

_  
I believe in you  
I'll give up everything just to find you  
I have to be with you to live to breathe  
you're taking over me_

I believe in you  
I'll give up everything just to find you  


I trust and believe in you. A trust which I find exists as a separate entity. I do not trust easy, given my history, and yet I find this family like bond with you, Teal'c and Daniel. Other's that have flittered in and out also have a similar bond I find, but never as strong, never as all embracing. I would do anything you, anything for Teal'c and anything for Daniel, just as I know you would do for me.

_I have to be with you, to live, to breathe  
you're taking over me  
_

Still, knowing that I would do anything for you because of the bond we share, doesn't explain it all. I need to have you near me, Daniel and Teal'c may help me life, but you make me live. It is because of you I can look at things and see beauty within; it is because of you that I was able to heal over Charlie. Teal'c and Daniel helped in their own way, but you deserve the credit for letting me see that there was more in life for this old bugger of a man who had given up.

_  
_It was then that the sleep which was eluding him, gently embraced and allowed him to dream, taking him to a place of fantasies but only to wake in the morning to forget his revelations from the night before. To wake to the never ending thing called life, a complex thing where nothing was ideal.

_Taking over me  
You're Taking Over Me  
Taking over me  
Taking over me_

**A/N: I know that Jack's a little (okay a lot) OOC here, but hey if you've ever woken up in the middle of the night and start to ponder the meaning of life (not the 42 kind) you'd know what I mean and you would see that it fits with the situation. Its just one of those things that you do in a state of delirium I guess. **

**Reviews are always welcome.**


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